sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
