he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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