In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
he laminated a picture of his dick.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
