I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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