i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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