my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
