So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
we're making bets on your personal life
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
