yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
