hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
