I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
