Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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