Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
