She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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