I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
