just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Randomize
