my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
