Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Randomize
