It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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