I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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