So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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