When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
