I just threw up on my dentist
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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