so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Did I show you my penis last night?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
