my phone needs a breathalizer
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
