update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
