The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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