3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
