Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
