He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
