getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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