Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
