You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
