I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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