do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
