I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
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