I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Randomize
