I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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