Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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