im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
