I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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