ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize
