im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
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