i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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