Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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