the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Randomize
