Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
