I'm lost and stupid without you.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
