Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You made out with two different species that night
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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