Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I have aggressive nipples.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Randomize
