I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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