Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize