I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She tied me up with her honor cords...
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Bang-toberfest begins!!
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You are the jesus of drinking
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
