I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
