i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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