He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
