i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Randomize
