Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
