I wish my penis had an off switch
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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