the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
