ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
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