Me too!
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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