Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
