drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
