She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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