This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
