someone threw a dead crab at me
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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